Tangent.

You know when you wake up from a dream wondering how the hell your mind could be as warped as to have those thoughts going through your head, and then you forget all about it, but then something reminds you of it and you get all concerned about your mental stability again?


I dreamt about cacti last night.


It was my cousin's birthday and she wanted nothing but cacti, which she carried around on a red plastic dinner tray then arranged tastefully around the house. I also remember there being a yellow tent, and myself falling asleep on a nine-year-old's lap.


I've always had weird dreams. One of these messed up dreams that I can remember from an early age was me being in my great Gran's back garden, and two men approached me trying to sell my a ray gun. I refused, so they turned the ray gun on my Daddy, but instead of him flashing a bright blue colour and falling to the floor like an old Shatner era Star Trek episode, he turned into a giant and tried to step on me. I hid behind the gate to my Gran's back garden, found a mug, found a coin within the mug, and flipped the coin in the mug. The money started multiplying and soon I had enough cash to pay back the men who zapped my Daddy in the first place, who immediately turned him back and went on their evil bastard conman ways. I woke up crying.


Woah, tangent.


I think I just swallowed a hair. In fact I'm almost 100% certain, and now I'm worried it's going to wrap itself around my intestines and choke me to death form the inside or cause internal bleeding. The worst thing was it was one of my sister's hair and she could have anything. It was wrapped up in a ball of spaghetti and I only felt it slipping through my lips as the spaghetti ball was being swallowed and pulling down the hair with it like someone who pissed off the mafia with a block of cement around his feet sinkng to the bottom of a lake never to be seen again. Except it won't be gone for ever, it will come back to haunt me when I start coughing up blood or complaining of stomach pains. Why can the mafia get away with it but not me?


The offending spaghetti plate (I didn't finish the spaghetti, it got binned):

Other things I've been convinced will kill me:


Lung cancer,
Old milk,
Swine flu,
Plane crash,
A twisted ankle,
Salmonella,
Meningitis,
Refrozen burgers,
My hairstraighteners,
The mole on my leg,
Alcohol poisoning,
Ghosts,
My cat,
Whatever that noise was outside my window the other night.